Disclaimer: This post is intended to clarify my mind. If you do not want to delve deep into my thoughts, stop here.
For the past few days I have been thinking about my life, how I want my life want to be after 10, 20, 30 years. What do I want to do in life? There are too many thoughts in my mind; I’ll just make a list.
Death/Life: This thing has been haunting me for a while now. A close friend lost his father last week. Just standing with him, thinking about it scared me. How would I face death? I know death is a fact of life, but I conveniently forgot about it. Maybe I avoided the topic; maybe I am too weak to face it. To be honest, I have no idea what I would do in the face of death, how would I react if I lost someone, how would I get on with my life. I hate myself for even thinking about it, but I have realized one thing, I have to face my fears. I came across this quote, “When you learn how to die, you learn how to live.” in “Tuesdays with Morrie” and it just spoke to me. I just have to accept death, and move on. Easier said then done, I still fear death, I am still afraid of losing anyone close. But I know unless I accept death, I would lead a scared life. This brings forth another thought. Does everybody have a purpose in life? What am I supposed to do in my life? Am I just supposed to earn money, and take care of my family? Or is there something else… Am I supposed to just breeze through life, enjoying every day or is there some hidden agenda? I have no clue…
Marriage/Love: My faith in marriage and love was shook, when I started thinking about death. Why should I love somebody so much, if at the end, I just have to lose that person. If anguish is all I have to suffer, should I not love no one, so that I would not feel anguish? But then again, why should I sacrifice the joys of life just because I’m afraid of losing someone? At the end, all that matters is who is alongside you. So that settles the matter of not loving anyone. I know for sure who will be alongside me, but then my parents say I am too young. I know I am young, I know I should wait; but for how long? What is the appropriate age for marriage? Marriage does not concern just two individuals, but it concerns two families. So it is up to them to take the decision. I’ll just wait and accept whatever time they say. I have no qualms about waiting. Love would be my decision; marriage would be my family’s decision.
Career/Money: Will I stay in a tech company all my life? Am I that good in tech? I don’t consider myself good in tech stuff, but then I see that people from other streams are working in tech and I feel that yeah, at least I am better then them. I need to put in a little more effort. But then another question I am facing is, “Is higher education necessary?” For the time being I am considering “Yes” to be the answer. But higher education means MS or MBA? MS means I’m continuing with the tech line, it would be difficult, nay impossible, for me to change my field after that. MBA means I may shift between tech and other fields, but since I have only failures to show for all MBA entrances, I doubt myself. Am I good enough for it? Should I waste another year for the dream that has been eluding me? What do I do if I fail yet again? And then the worst thing of all, my family’s expectations! My family considers me to be something that I am not. They think that I can ace all the exams I take. I can live with my failures, but I hate to see my parents disappointed. Then comes the question of money. If I continue like this, in a tech company – with or without MS or MBA – I can earn enough to support my family. But this does not yield any job satisfaction, for that I need to do something that I believe in. That would mean working for myself. That means either my own company or one of my dreams – journalism. My own company would mean risk, which I am not prepared to take unless I have a foolproof backup plan. And journalism would mean I may not be earning as much as I now. So the dilemma continues, money or job satisfaction? Risk or security? I think right now, I’ll go ahead with my MBA plan, both years I have been within a whisker of success, this year I’ll get success. *Keeping my fingers crossed*
All those who have read through this, you deserve a pat on your back (for bearing me rant about all my thoughts) and a sorry (for the same reason). All other confused people out there, do read “Tuesdays with Morrie”.